Keys of the Kingdom

Well Friends, nothing dampens the So Stinkin’ Awesome feeling of moving day as much as…Moving!

Are you kidding me? Who bought all of this crap? I’ve got to tell you though I’m blaming some grandparents for a big chunk of it. Two word grandpeople – Savings Bonds. They’re easy to move, take up very little room, don’t clutter the house and adds monetary value to my minions…I mean teaches them the value of money and the principles that govern wealth.

I swear there was a moment there that everything that came off of the moving truck was destined for the kids’ playroom. I was starting to get embarrassed. We probably could have moved everything on a mini-trailer if it hadn’t been for all of the kids’ stuff. Melissa may be right we may definitely be done having children.

Of course, y’all know that God doesn’t play fair, right? Let me tell you a story. Zipporah drove back to Orem with me to Provo after we made another trip to Logan for more stuff (three trips to get it all! Really? Why?) and we had some good chats and played some car games. Good times. We also had to return the moving van and since Mom and the other kids were still in Logan we walked the mile or so home together. After we realized that we didn’t have keys to the explorer which meant no going to get dinner and no going to take covert showers in the employee locker room at BYU Wilkinson Center we set down and ate some leftovers. After dinner Zipporah says, “Dad, you’re the greatest dad ever.” Then as I’m putting her to bed she says, “Dad, tell mom she’s the bestest mom ever.”

Come on how do you compete with that. I mean first off you spend all those days teaching your kids the importance of telling the truth and when one of them finally does she throws out that perfect nugget of knowledge. Forget about it, to quote Virgil! (The living Marx father-in-law version not the dead Greek one)

Other adventures of moving day do include this little story. Previous to us living in the home, I might have mentioned, were three or four single college aged men. So each of the bedroom doors, except one, has a keyed lock. Now when I first saw this bells went off but it wasn’t move in day yet and I am getting older and so my memory isn’t what it used to be. However, it was thoroughly jogged when Miles came crying to me that his sister had locked and shut the door and that he had taken the key out of the door and put it in his bedroom. So before we even had everything unloaded into the house our niche three (fourish) bedroom rental is down one bedroom. I am taking responsibility for that I should have remembered to walk around and gather up all loose keys. Oy vei.

Another key story, we went back to Logan to gather the last of the stuff (there was still so much junk up there. Next time we move I’m calling 1-800-GOT-JUNK and telling them to take it all.) I get there and all of the doors are locked. Now I understand my wife’s wish to keep the place secure and what not but really? There was nothing but junk left. If someone had broken in what were they going to make off with? The broom? Some MORE kids toys? What she should have done is left the front door unlocked with a note that said door is open take what you like but make sure you take the carpet with you! Yeah I spent an hour ripping up carpet which made me even happier that I waited until it was time to leave to put new carpet in. Anyway, the doors are all locked so Zipporah and I start loading our treasured belongings that are in the carport/garage and then start playing hopscotch while we wait. Melissa shows up and does not have the keys to the house! So I send her down the street for a ladder. While she’s gone I get the idea to try and card the door one more time (I had tried earlier). It worked (So Stinkin’ Awesome). I’m sure my new tenants don’t want to know that I can now card open the door anytime I like. (Add fix door to the project list, I guess.)

My last favorite story is for the fellas (because I know that there are so many of them out there reading this blog.) So we all get to bed our first night in our new home after providing a semi-modest peep show for the neighborhood (no curtains in all the windows yet) and all is right with the world. As I’m laying there I notice that my leg feels a little odd just behind the knee but I just figured I was a little tight and sore from lifting and carrying all day. About an hour later it was like an army of pain marched up the muscles behind my knee (yes, I have muscles). I got the biggest muscle cramp known to man. It hurt so bad I started laughing – the pain sent me into hysterics. I, of course, was sure this was the beginning of a lifelong paralysis and so I wake my wife up to tell her what was going on. Every man who has ever had a pregnant wife get leg cramps in the middle of the night is well aware that it is HIS job to massage the muscle until the cramp goes away. He is not allowed to let his help meet suffer needlessly for an extended length of time with such a discomfort. Well apparently that is a one way street. I wake up my beautiful bride, tell her that I have the biggest cramp known to man and she’s, “Oh, I’m sorry!” Then rolls over and GOES BACK TO SLEEP!!!!! I had to wake her up again to go find me some antacid so that I could get rid of the blasted cramp (bicycle racing trick). Can you believe it? “Oh, I’m sorry.” Is all she had to say. I hope we do get pregnant again so I can ignore her leg cramp next time! I’m going to keep some antacid next to the bed and I’m going to roll over hand her the bottle and say, “Oh I’m sorry.” Then I’m rolling back over and going back to sleep. I’ve massaged my last mamalissa muscle cramp. Mark my words, so shall it be written so shall it be done.

But However, keys seemed to be the theme of the weekend. So here is what key things I have learned about moving:

1. Burn it all – doesn’t say somewhere in the scriptures that the Lord will provide? Put it to the test, I say.


2. Moving is easier without four kids. So my advice is to find a permanent resident before you have kids OR learn to like your life in your little starter home until they are old enough to pack and move all of the toys that their grandparents have sent them.


3. Moving companies are worth their weight in gold. I’m not moving all of this crap ( I mean) these treasured reminders of the love we share as a family again.

God bless, my friends.